24 - 08 - 2010

Crisp, freshly ironed suit. Sweet cologne poring off his skin. Polished shoes. Jerking his knee anxiously. A cheeky smile. Holding a monumental arrangement of red roses.
Today I saw a man in love.

Sometimes I wonder what I've done to make karma bite me in the ass this badly. If there's something I fear - intensely - is abandonment. I'm a very loyal person; I will go to the ends of the earth for someone I love. Recently, I've realized I've been abandoned by my family. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, one by one, even my father, have left me behind and turned their back on me. So when blood relatives leave you... your friends become your family. But when your friends are going through their own shit, and you fuck up, making them upset... what then?

Lately, I've felt very alone. I come home to a quiet apartment, the only beating hearts coming from my two cats who have now found love in each other and no longer need me other than meal times. I hear no word of my brother, who is living his dream life, and has no space for me in it. I wait up for my mother, who comes home stressed and exhausted. No "hello darling" or "how was school?" for me. More like, "CenterLink cancelled our payments" and "Why don't you do anything around the house?"

Ever since kindergarten, teachers have doted on my independence and self-sufficiency. My ability to power through tough situations and keep an optimistic outlook. But sometimes - just sometimes - I need a hand to hold mine and lead it forwards.

This man today made me smile. Tearfully. It was a hopeful smile. Because even on this dark, gloomy evening, some very lucky woman was going to be greeted in the best way possible.
This man made me realize, even if my love life is negative zero, others out there are still writing their love stories, their happy endings.
No matter what, the world keeps spinning. And sooner or later, the sun will peek back out again.